IF YOU INTEND TO DATE OUR GRANDDAUGHTER….

We do not have daughters.  But we have a granddaughter – an amazingly smart, transcendentally beautiful one (my unbiased opinion).

I just was sent an “Application For Permission To Date My Daughter”, which is posted in very abbreviated form below (the full version is way too long for this blog).  And, although it is of no use to my wife and me, I am most assuredly passing it along to our son and daughter in law.

Take a look, and see if you can figure out why:

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

 

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, JOB HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

GENERAL INFORMATION:

 

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

 

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

 

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

 

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

 

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

 

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

 

If less than your age, explain

____________________________________________________________________

 

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:  

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

 

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

 

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

 

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

 

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

 

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No  

(IF YOU ANSWERED \’YES\’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

 

In 50 words or less, what does \’LATE\’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

 

In 50 words or less, what does \’DON\’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER\’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does \’ABSTINENCE\’ mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

SHORT ANSWER SECTION:

 Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.  

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot is:

 

______________________________________________________________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

 

______________________________________________________________

C. A woman\’s place is in the:

 

______________________________________________________________

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

 

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

 

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

 

______________________________________________________________

 

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _______________________  

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant\’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________

Mother\’s Signature Father\’s Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

 

In the boxes below, please provide Finger Prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Checking and DNA sampling:

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

 

Please allow four to six years for processing.  

And, finally, a note to all applicants:  our beautiful granddaughter does not just have a father.  She has a grandfather – two of them, in fact.  That is a total of three healthy, motivated men.  And when it comes to her, we do NOT believe in fair fights.