A LITTLE WISDOM (OK, VERY LITTLE)

It’s getting way too serious in here.  So, apropos of nothing political, here is a sampling of the aphorisms about old people that my sister just sent me:

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now? 

 I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

(My personal favorite) A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being old, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

 A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

 

OK, enough.  Now back to politics, which gets old a lot quicker than any of us do.

By the way,  if an aphorism is half as meaningful as the others, does that make it an aphtwoism?

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