THE GREAT CHINESE TOILET PAPER CAPER

Apropos of nothing political…I think:

Did you know that Beijing has a problem with toilet paper theft?

Well, it does.  And, via Benjamin Haas’s article for London’s Daily Guardian, here is what is being done about it:

One of Beijing’s busiest public toilets is fighting the scourge of toilet paper theft through the use technology – giving out loo roll only to patrons who use a face scanner.

The automated facial recognition dispenser comes as a response to elderly residents removing large amounts of toilet paper for use at home.

Now, those in need of paper must stand in front of a high-definition camera for three seconds, after removing hats and glasses, before a 60cm ration is released.

Those who come too often will be denied, and everyone must wait nine minutes before they can use the machine again.

At this point,  it should be noted that the headline of Mr. Haas’s article starts with “Wiping Out Crime”….and the sub-head refers to the action being taken as a “crack down”.

Personally, as I read this it brought back the memory of another proposed action…from the stupid, juvenile and often hysterically funny 1981 movie “Porky’s”, when a high school boy put his, er, other side of crack down through an opening, which exposed it to the girls’ locker room – and the woman’s gym teacher, Ms. Balbricker, expressed her outrage to the principal, along with a way of catching the culprit:

Balbricker: Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it – I’d recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he’s extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I’m certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He’s a contemptible little pervert who…

Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker!

Balbricker: Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve got him now, and I’m not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I’m asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present – Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we… and we… can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.

[pause]

Balbricker: Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Mr. Carter: Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a “tallywhacker”? Penis is so ppp… penis is so personal.

Balbricker: We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment. Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it’s him. That

[pause]

Balbricker: tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.

Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa… their private parts for an incriminating mole?

Balbricker: But Mr. Carter.

Coach Brakett: Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have ’em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up “Wanted” posters all over school… “Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls’ locker room at Angel Beach High School.”

Maybe the girls should have thrown a few rolls of toilet paper at it…

OK, back to politics, where just about everyone is a balbricker and there will never be enough toilet paper to take care of the accumulated crack downs.

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